If you find yourself behaving in old, codependent or addictive ways, if you find yourself not liking the words coming out of your mouth, or that old sense of despair that things always end up the same way, this is a sign to start taking yourself more seriously. Get the support you need, it is always out there if you will look for it.
Get more sleep, better food, take a walk, talk to someone. Do what you need to do. If these things are not enough find a therapist, spiritual path, or 12 step program. Reach out further than yourself. You are more than simply the sum of how others have treated you in life. And don't you forget it!
Warmly,
Cheryl
Feeling Balanced Today?
People talk about life/work balance a lot - but in the 168 hours you have in a week, how do you actually spend this gift of time? How many hours per week are you giving yourself the present of being present? Of being happy, absorbed and content?
Figuring out how to enjoy life - even during times that might feel like drudgery, is a learned skill. It may take some time to figure out how, but you can do it. You need the right tools, and the willingness to use them.
Take 15 minutes today to do exactly what you want. How does it feel? How does your day feel afterwards?
Be Happy,
Cheryl
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is seen as a positive and a negative trait, depending on the circumstances in which it is found. But it is not such a good trait when tied to self-criticism. Some people who experience it believe that nothing they ever do will be quite good enough. So they work and work and then get depressed, irritable or angry. The voice of perfectionism is an illusion that serves to disconnect people from who they really are. So even if the perfectionist does something perfectly, they still do not experience deep satisfaction.
How one goes about collecting the tools and safety to explore their true self often starts with therapy, but seldom just stays there. Once the self is awakened, life becomes clearer, more immediate and more fun. It is also more interesting!
If you suffer from perfectionism and have read this far, please call me and let's talk about ways you can go beyond having to be perfect.
Warm Regards,
Cheryl Deaner, LMFT
415 282 2200
Dealing with Difficult People, Tips 7 through 10
7) Are you truly able to listen? Not listening and not understanding can lead to shouting, withdrawal and hurt feelings. Listen to the person without interrupting and look at them. When they are completely done, ask ifyou can repeat back to them what you heard for clarification.
8) It is human to confuse fighting with caring, especially if this was what was modeled in one's family. This “negative caring” can lead to full-out relationship war. Is it easier to fight than communicate? If so, seek more positive ways of caring as quickly as you can.
9) You can't always get another person to seek help so you may have to do the changing. But don't worry – if you change, they will have to change over time. Relationships are like any other system – if you change your output, it follows that the system will change.
10) Is your life out of balance? Is it possible you are so caught up with your career, other people, hobbies and activities that you are neglecting your most important relationships? Do you spend much less quality time with the difficult person than you once did?
Relationships more than anything else help us grow and mature in life. They polish off our rough edges and support us to live longer and happier lives.
Often, the most powerful secret to changing another person's behavior is simply to treat them differently. It is often the fastest and best way to get out of a nasty situation with someone you care about.
Have a Great Week!
Cheryl
Dealing with Difficult People, Tips 4 through 6
4) They may not realize they are impinging on you. This may seem hard to believe, but when people are wanting to feel important, are having a bad day, or acting unconsciously, they may wonder why you seem so crabby! Gently point out how what they are doing affects you.
5) You must want to get along with the more than to engage in drama. Stay true to where you want the relationship to look like. Chances are good that they will be won over. Being kind is often the fastest way to end a drama.
6) Is an unhealthy dependency part of the problem? Dependency kills respect. When you let yourself be dependent, or another person encourages you to take care of them without mutually agreed-upon reciprocity, resentment easily finds its way into a relationship.
Three Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
1) Remember that most of the reason they are upset with you is not personal. Even though you may have a part in what is happening for them, their state of mind is what determines their behavior and their words. Their own thoughts are creating a version of you that is inaccurate. It is not you.
2) If you think you deserve to be slighted you will be. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” said Eleanor Roosevelt. Don't let another person dictate your self-esteem.
3) Feeling disliked stings. It is hard to not to want to retaliate when someone seems to be deliberately trying to hurt you! Do your best to not respond if you are emotionally reeling from a verbal attack, a nasty silence or a show of contempt. Give both yourself and the other person time to back down before moving on to solving an issue between you.
Have a Great Week,
Cheryl
ps: Photo taken at the Charles M Schulz Museum in Santa Rosa, CA
Are You "Spiritual Enough?"
I used to think I was not spiritual enough. I was basing this assumption on what others reported their experiences to be, and discounting my own experience of the universe, and of powers greater than myself.
Looking at the universe as a whole, we are all just bits of re-worked stardust. After all, stars consist of the same kinds of chemical elements as our bodies. At a basic level, we are children of a universe which scientists have only started to fathom.
In this perspective, whatever is out there is in me. Does this make for spirituality? If I want it to be so, and I do. I chose to believe that my obligation in this life is to learn to love, be happy and be industrious with what I have been given. Within that context, I also enjoy reading about and experiencing a spiritual path.
Perhaps you might think my underpinnings are more philosophical thanspiritual, but then it can be hard to tell which is which under an awesome display of stars.
Warm Regards,
Cheryl
When Reality Readjusts Our Lives Without Our Permission
Sometimes, an obligation, mistake, accident or simply another person can tear a hole in the order of life. We get reminded that we are so much not in control as we would like to think. The initial result of this can be quite annoying or downright unpleasant. Getting back our sense of order and control can be sped up with this simple prayer, whether or not you actually believe in God:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
Remember the times when taking a different path at first seemed worrisome, but then turned out to be better for you.
Finally, sleep on it. Take a little time. Answers you don't have now will naturally occur as more is revealed about the situation.
All Best,
Cheryl Deaner, LMFT
An Interesting Journey. . .
"An interesting journey never follows a straight path."
- Marjan Van Den Belt
If things went the way we planned, how would we learn anything? Yet sometimes it seems we are on a path that is just too challenging! This is almost never true, but if it is, there is support. If you don't know how to get it, feel free to call.
Otherwise, have a very interesting day!
Warm Regards,
Cheryl
Not Everyone Can Benefit From Therapy
Some people cannot utilize therapy to their advantage. For instance, people who are ordered to start therapy, or are given an ultimatum by a loved one when they don't want to go. These folks have a lower success rate. Others just relate to the world in a way that doesn't make therapy profitable for them. Because there are many paths to wholeness I honor all who find their way by whatever path works for them. I myself have used other paths to happiness as well as therapy in my own life.
However, other people change their lives in amazing ways through therapy, or with a combination of therapy and other practices. If you are on the fence about therapy, please call me for a free, 15 minute consultation to see if it is an option that could be valuable for you.
Warm Regards,
Cheryl
Not Enough Hours in the Day?
Projects threatening to spiral out of control? People wanting more from you than you can give?
This sort of pace might be tolerable for a week, month or even a season, but then it will start to seriously degrade your life.
During times of stress, personal maintenance is a must! Even if the siren song of completing just one more thing is calling you, here are three simple things you can do to find some balance:
1) Take 30 minutes to do something not tied into your responsibilities. Journal, go to a coffee shop, meditate or contemplate.
2) Eat the healthiest food you can find. Stay away from "quick energy" fats and sugars.
3) Do something kind for someone with no work-related motive.
Take Care,
Cheryl
What Feeling do You Most Run From?
What is the feeling you most want to run away from? For some it is sadness or grief, for others - jealousy or anxiety. Often people don't realize just how much energy they are wasting trying to avoid a feeling.
Your feelings can't kill you, but chronically avoiding certain feelings will do you harm. It takes a lot of energy to block them, and they can make you physically as well as mentally sick.
Try this. Sit down with a paper and pen. Then think of the thing that is bothering you for exactly one minute. Afterwards, write about your feelings around it. Don't let yourself be prisoner to a dreaded feeling. If the feeling is just to much to release by this method, then perhaps you could benefit from a therapist for awhile who can help you to explore why you feel the way you do. All you have to lose is your pain.
Take Care,
Cheryl
Summer's Coming - What Should I be Doing?
Either be on vacation, be planning a vacation, or be setting the date for a vacation.
Enjoy Life,
Cheryl
What are Our Real Motives?
Almost all of the reasons we do things, and the feelings about what we do, are layered. By this I mean, if you were to stop for a second and ask yourself why you did a certain thing, or thought it, there would probably be an easy answer. A true answer. But that would seldom be the only answer, or even the real one. It is just the one we most often consciously reference.
How much power there is when we go beyond the surface of the deep river of life! Therapy is a place to learn to trust that river, to question what we think we know is true, and to strike a new deal with ourselves.
This is what I love about this work - the chance to support clients in seeing themselves in new and powerful ways.
Warm Regards,
Cheryl
"But I Can See Their Potential..."
These are words that often lead to considerable unhappiness.
A person is usually just as they present themselves. They are not interested in fulfilling your personal dream of their potential.
If you want someone to change, change yourself. Stop looking at what your loved one could become if they would just let you help them. Look at who they are, and act accordingly, as you would with someone less familiar. Because your only hope to change another is to change yourself.
Compassion for others is often misplaced unless you are compassionate for yourself first.
All Best,
Cheryl
Don't Go Back To Sleep
“The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you,
Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want,
Don't go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth
across the doorsill where the two worlds touch,
The door is wide and open,
Don't go back to sleep.
- Rumi
Resentment and Self Pity (or) Gratitude and Awareness?
Resentment and self pity (or) gratitude and awareness - which set of traits do you want to give your time and energy today? Which set will nourish you? It is true that we actually have plenty of choices over what paths our thoughts will take.
Even if small-minded, unhealthy thoughts that come and come again don't have to rule us if we redirect them and do not give them our energy.
Detachment is a friend of the mind that is developed through frequent use. With awareness, you can always chose to redirect your thoughts, which in turn, can redirect your feelings.
Warmly,
Cheryl
If You are Reading This. . .
If you are reading this, you may be a point in your life where you are ready to make some changes. Therapy does not benefit everyone, but I believe in many cases, it can be a priceless gift yhat you give to yourself. This very personal experience, and your own willingness, can not only help you feel better, but can expand your vision and the capacity to be the person you want to be.
Here's to You!
Cheryl
Receiving
On Friday night I received a Legacy Award from Our Family Coalition, a non-profit I co-founded 20 years ago. Our Family Coalition works statewide with LGBTQI families to make sure all families receive the same educational, social and civil rights and privileges as other families in our society. I actually enjoyed receiving my award! Some say it is better to give than receive - but the older I get the more I think that both are needed in equal proportion.
I remember when I left OFC to start my private practice 16 years ago - back then it was difficult to accept the well wishes and compliments of my colleagues and friends. I felt so shy because I wasn't used to receiving. Since then, I've worked a lot on learning to receive. I have come to believe that a person who just gives is one who stunts their own capacity for growth, for vital nourishment.
Many clients coming into therapy do a lot of good for everyone but themselves. Its hard for them to take a compliment or a day off for themselves, and so they often they struggle with codependency. Self focus, and the capacity to receive, are wonderful assets for personal growth.
Have a Wonderful Week,
Cheryl
Cheryl Deaner Receives Award from Our Family Coalition
Join me this evening at Our Famiy Coalition's "Night Out 2016" where I will be receiving the Co-Founder's Award with John Logan.