The Trap of Seduction

According to Patrick Carnes in “The Betrayal Bond” the trap of seduction is having a relationship with someone who exudes high warmth but has low intention. Unfortunately, some seductive people want to take advantage of others, either consciously or unconsciously. They present themselves in such a way that one finds it easy to fantasize that the other person is more available than they actually are.

If you are attracted to charismatic, seemingly guileless people who turn out to not be wrong for you or use you, realize that you don’t have to keep making the same mistake over and over. You can develop the capacity to not become ensnared with people who take advantage of you.

Here are three tips for avoiding being used:

1) Don’t ignore the red flags that are there in the beginning when you most clearly see the other individual. The other person is not a diamond in the rough!

2) Are you thinking too much too soon about another person? You may be becoming obsessed, which can feel good in some ways. But unless both parties just happen to feel the same way, the chances of an obsession developing into real love are slim.

3) Talk to others you trust about how you are feeling. If you are still feeling unbalanced or uneasy about an attraction, it may be time to speak with a therapist. Perhaps falling for seductive people has roots in your own past, or is caused by lonliness or some other state of mind that can be remedied.

How to Put an End to Self-Pity

I define self-pity as a lack of empathy for oneself because empathy is an emotion rooted in caring. To have empathy for oneself naturally cares enough to ameliorate a bad situation. Caught in self-pity, one only invites more abuse and distances those who might otherwise be supportive.

Self-pity often begins in early childhood, when those who should have shown empathy for a child failed to do so. The child learns they can do nothing about the way they are treated and that they just have to bear neglect or bad treatment. In an adult, this is what self-pity looks like. The person feeling sorry for themselves does not take the lead to change their plight, as someone else is to blame. Self-pity is not only toxic for the sufferer but for everyone around them.

Almost everyone has a bout of self-pity now and then, but most people get tired of it rather quickly and move on to change their condition. They care about making their situation better. They don't stay stuck. If someone you know (or you!) are feeling caught up in feeling sorry for themselves, here are some ways to let go of this destructive emotion:

1) Put a time limit on self-pity. After 5 minutes, start looking for solutions.

2) Try to notice if the suffering is complicated by depression or anxiety. If you think it is, perhaps a therapist or other medical professional can help.

3) Limit complaining to others. It just reinforces being stuck and drives them away. Instead, lay out your problem but put your focus what you can do to better your situation.

4) Making a gratitude list as a way of draining the toxicity of self-pity. Make the list at least 10 items long.

5) Stop being a victim – simply refuse to victimize oneself!

How Does a Therapist Differ From a Friend?

Therapists can take you places your friends can’t go. The relationship you have with your therapist is a professional association. You pay a therapist to support you based on your own agenda.

Therapists train for many years to listen to and help people who are in distress. They deal with their client’s trauma as well as the mundane trials of the human condition. They are trained to be emotionally and mentally present. They give thoughtful feedback about problems that would worry or even frighten a friend. They keep confidentiality. They don’t have an agenda based on a personal relationship with you.

A therapist’s only job is to help you grow.

Whose Woods These Are I Think I Know

In honor of the quiet joy of deepening Winter, I offer my annual poem by Robert Frost:


Whose woods these are I think I know.   

His house is in the village though;   

He will not see me stopping here   

To watch his woods fill up with snow.   

 

My little horse must think it queer   

To stop without a farmhouse near   

Between the woods and frozen lake   

The darkest evening of the year.   

 

He gives his harness bells a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

The only other sound’s the sweep   

Of easy wind and downy flake.   

 

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.


Dealing with Difficult Relatives

Difficult relatives tend to emerge as Thanksgiving draws near. Many who expect to see extended family do so with trepidation. Sometimes, the people they are supposed to love are coming from a place of discomfort, anger or pain. Sometimes they drink too much, or abuse substances.

1) Remember that most of the reason they are upset has little to nothing to do with you. Their feelings and the thoughts that arise from them are creating a version of reality that is inaccurate. It is not you, even if you did have a cameo role in the drama they are creating. It is not personal.

2) If you go into the holidays thinking you somehow deserve to feel slighted, you will be. Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Don't let another person dictate your sense of self-esteem.

3) Feeling disliked stings. It is hard to not retaliate when someone seems to deliberately want to misunderstand and even hurt you! Do your best to not respond if you are emotionally reeling from a verbal attack, a nasty silence or show of contempt. Give both yourself and the other person time to back down.

Finally, stick close to the relative and friends that are your allies or or less challenging. And don’t be afraid to leave.

October's Bright Blue Weather

My favorite teacher had us memorize this beautiful poem. It still surfaces into my consciousness every October. I find it lifts my spirits, and I hope it does the same for you!

O SUNS and skies and clouds of June,
And flowers of June together,
Ye cannot rival for one hour
October’s bright blue weather;

When loud the bumble-bee makes haste,
Belated, thriftless vagrant,
And Golden-Rod is dying fast,
And lanes with grapes are fragrant;

When Gentians roll their fringes tight
To save them for the morning,
And chestnuts fall from satin burrs
Without a sound of warning;

When on the ground red apples lie
In piles like jewels shining,
And redder still on old stone walls
Are leaves of woodbine twining;

When all the lovely wayside things
Their white-winged seeds are sowing,
And in the fields, still green and fair,
Late aftermaths are growing;

When springs run low, and on the brooks,
In idle golden freighting,
Bright leaves sink noiseless in the hush
Of woods, for winter waiting;

When comrades seek sweet country haunts,
By twos and twos together,
And count like misers, hour by hour,
October’s bright blue weather.

O suns and skies and flowers of June,
Count all your boasts together,
Love loveth best of all the year
October’s bright blue weather.

By Helen Hunt Jackson

Looking for a Road Map in Life?

By “roadmap” I don’t mean a one sized template that fits all people. I mean a map that actually works for YOU. One you create that based on your needs and desires. One that changes your life for the better and leads you to appreciate that positive change is possible. There are many ways to help make this happen in addition to seeing a therapist:

  • Write letters to yourself about what you love to do and what doesn’t work for you.

  • Go inward. Learn to meditate and contemplate. In your inner space, you can hear what your own best self is trying to tell you.

  • Make time for others who are good for you. Let them know you. Tell another person who you are and what you need and listen to them as well.

  • Think of times when bad things have lead to good things in your life. Your job is to accept the good with the bad and to understand that when bad comes it is not because you have a personal flaw. After all, every situation you are in has many outcomes that you cannot foresee. Worry is simply a waste of time and energy.

  • If you feel you have a spiritual part of yourself, work on developing it.

    Making time for things like these are help you see the right direction for you, like a good map does. In return, you will gain the capacity to live a happier and fuller life.

The Virtue of Easefulness

For many, easefulness isn’t easy. Some live in constant low-level anxiety while others live with an overly developed sense of personal responsibility for just about everything. Sheer exhaustion from carrying so much expectation on oneself is then confused with laziness. One can become numb and irritable as well as physically run-down. This is no way to live!

Easefulness allows one to do just what is in front of one without judgment or self-induced pressure. It arises out of a centered and calm self. Here are some ways to invite easefulness into your life:

  • Stay in the present moment. Use your physical senses (hearing, seeing, touch, etc.) to help keep your mind from racing ahead into a vast unknown. Or simply meditate.

  • Focus on doing an adequate job with what is right in front of you, no matter how large or small it seems.

  • Stop worrying! Situations rarely turn out like you think they will so save your energy. It is possible to actively switch your mind from worry to something more positive. Try it.

  • Remember that you have survived everything in your past to get to today. No matter how challenging situations have seemed you have prevailed. Focus only on what you can do in the next 24 hours then rest.

The Many Voices of Codependency

Codependency has many voices. But when it comes down to it, they are all just forms of mental distraction, or even obsession, with another person. Do any of these voices below resonate with you:

They're a diamond in the rough - and I will polish off those rough edges.

I couldn't wait to see them, so why did I screw it up when I did?

I'll let them think they're in control.

I wonder what they are doing now? I hope it's not. . .

Well, that will never happens again.

After that disaster they are treating me so well – it must have been what was needed.

I'll just get remove the temptation, (ie, the other person, the bottle, racing forms, online pornography, fill in the blank).

Once we have a child, all of this will be forgotten.

I made my bed – so I guess I deserve to lay in it.

It's a parent's role is to sacrifice for their children – and eventually they will get better.

I know I said it before, but this time I mean it – this is their last chance. . .

Codependency is a habit. And like any other habit it can be broken. Starting to focus on oneself instead of someone else is the way to break it. If you need some support to do this, don't be afraid to ask. You don't have to do it all alone.

How Willing Are You to Take a Risk?

All of us have areas of our lives that we would like to change, but one of the things that can stop us is fear of taking a risk.  Are you risk adverse? There are small risks, medium risks and risks that will make major changes to our lives. There are even risks that feel like death.

Small risks are like asking for help on a project, or trying a new restaurant. A medium risk might be something like leaving a bad job.  But a life-changing risk is something else. It may feel like it takes more courage than one has. Like a divorce, for instance, or moving to another part of the country without a job.

At what level does risk become foolhardy? The truth is, if you are thinking of taking a major risk it is usually not a foolish thought. The question to contemplate is whether you are being true to yourself. Would risking add new opportunities and larger dimensions to your life?

Being willing to take risks can lead to a great contentment and personal growth. If you are contemplating a risk that seems overwhelming, now is the time to shore up your inner strength and move forward in the service of your own destiny.

How Many Kinds of Love are There?

There are hundreds of shades of love in the world. Love can arise in a desert of loneliness or in a shared abundance of joy. It can manifest within you from places one never knew existed.  I believe that from the day we are born, love seeks itself, both within us and outside of us.

However, when love becomes attached to more negative emotions such as jealousy, insecurity or possessiveness, problems arise. But the problem is not with love itself. It is the attempts to hold onto love at all costs that most frequently overwhelm its qualities of selflessness, tenderness and compassion.

In the pain of possessive love one may want to forsake love altogether, but this no solution. Listen to the pain. Talk about it with those you trust, and learn from it. And even when love is gone, it can lead to one to seeking a better version of the self. Used as motivation, it has the power to bring about wisdom.

So open your heart to love. Play your part in this aspect of your humanity, and play it with gusto!


Thought Stopping

Thought stopping is the habit of watching one's own thoughts, and deciding when you have had enough of a certain thought that is bringing you down.  Many people do not realize that unwanted thoughts can be stopped just by refusing to pay attention to them.  You can also decide not to increase the power of certain thoughts by not verbalizing them.

You don't have to say or think ANYTHING you don't want to say or think.  Even if an unwelcome thought comes back, you can stop it over again until it loses its potency.  We have much more power than we realize when it comes to controlling the chattering of our minds.  The idea of thought stopping is a cognitive behavioral technique, well documented to be applicable to most situations.  I personally think of it as reclaiming one's own mind.

Feeling Confused?

Sometimes tough decisions just come our way - perhaps involving a loved one or making a move that will change your life’s direction. At these times, the best decision for you may not be clear. And there may be good reasons your family and friends can only take you so far. It can be tempting to just do nothing! Yet doing nothing will only lead to someone else making your decision for you.

There are many ways to unravel sticky problems, one thread at a time. So begin to take action today. For instance, write a longhand a list of pros and cons. Take a little time away from the problem alone in order to clear your head. Consider the benefits of intentional contemplation and meditation. Talk to people who are not involved in the situation that you trust have your interest in mind. A mentor, therapist or spiritual advisor may be of use at this time.

It takes courage to admit that despite your best efforts, you are not sure what steps to take. However, acknowledging you are confused means you have already taken the first and hardest step toward clarity.

Spring, by Mary Oliver

Somewhere a black bear has just risen from sleep and is staring

down the mountain. All night in the brisk and shallow restless of early spring

I think of her. her four black fists flicking the gravel. her toungue

like a red fire touching the grass, the cold water. There is only one question:

how to love this world. I think of her rising like a black and leafy ledge

to sharpen her claws against the silence of the trees. Whatever else

my life is with its poems and its music and its glass cities,

it is also this dazzling darkness coming down the mountain, breathing and tasting,

all day I think of her - her white teeth, her wordlessness, her perfect love.

Fear of the Future Unknown

It is possible to claim back time spent in worry, sleepless and anxiety about the future. For the unknown is not the problem. It is fear of the unknown. And fear has the unfortunate quality of magnifying potentially negative outcomes while ignoring positive and neutral possibilities.

You can unhook your mind from an fear. Try placing your focus on the people, places and things that comfort and support you. Call a friend, read an inspirational book, watch relaxing TV or eating comfort food. Don't deepen the “worry wrinkle” in your brain by indulging in negative forecasts about the future. Remember, for your entire lifetime, you have been dealing the unknown. You are a walking history of handling life on life's terms.

It has been estimated that 90% of what people worry about every day does not come to pass. So strive to do your best to live in this current day only. This will allow you to rest at night with the knowledge that you have done what was required of you. In this way you can inculcate a positive future. Don’t let fear cloud today and bring qualities such as avoidance, negativity and anxiety into your tomorrow.

Remember, by learning to see doubt as a possibility rather than a threat, you will ultimately live a richer, wiser and more peaceful life.

Look To This Day!

Look to this day!

For it is life, the very life of life.

In its brief course lie all the

verities

and realities of your existence:

The bliss of growth

The glory of action,

The splendor of beauty;

For yesterday is but a dream,

And tomorrow is only a vision;

But today, well lived, makes every

yesterday

A dream of happiness

And every tomorrow a vision of

hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day.

Attributed to Kalidasa