"This is maturity: To be able to stick with a job until it is finished; to do one's duty without being supervised; to be able to carry money without spending it; an to bear an injustice without wanting to get even."
- Abigail Van Buren
Security
Whether it is feeling loved, having money in the bank or having caring parents or children, most people feel the need for some type of security. Yet there is a counterbalance to this. All these comforts are outside of oneself and they can all be lost.
Being able to be feel secure in oneself is invaluable. People come to this sense of self through many pathways, but all involve getting to know and truly appreciate one's inner self. Here are three ideas about how to do this:
1) Be grateful for what you already have. Stop looking at others and comparing yourself to them.
2) Find a path to promote the growth of your inner self. Whether you choose a spiritual journey, therapy, advanced studies, or taking care of others, find a way to connect with others and the world.
3) Deal with the fact that you will sooner or later die, that every living thing does. Imagine you are very old and thinking back over your life. Think of what the most important things you did were. Then do them.
Take Care,
Cheryl
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is this Sunday. For people in therapy, mothers are often a big topic. There is a social myth that mothers are not just human. They are people who are always warm, forgiving, gentle, nurturing and loving. Conversely, they can be seen as dependent, selfish, cold or evil. But they aren't often portrayed as just people, perhaps because their role was so huge when we were so vulnerable.
As children, our relationship to the person who played the mother role for us should be codependent. Children deserve and need to be codependent with primary caregivers - just not after they grow up. . .and that can be difficult sometimes!
So even if you find yourself struggling in general with your relationship with your mother, finding gratitude for mom is always the best option on Mother's Day.
Warmly,
Cheryl
"The Universe is Like a Mirage. . ."
. . .When you observe it more closely, you find that it is caused by the sun and not the rays."
- Jnaneshwar's Gita
How often do you know the source of your own power, problems, joy and contentment? To know what works and does not work, go to the source. However, It is difficult to do this all by yourself, so be sure to include those to whom your best self gravitates.
Warmly,
Cheryl
Does Everyone Have a "Path" in Life?
Some people are obviously following a life path that fits them, but for many the purpose of living is not so clear.
If you were near the end of your life, thinking back, what are three things you would have liked to have accomplished? Or today, what are the five most important facts of your life?
To become more familiar with your path, look for a teacher, go to therapy, read, have deep conversation with friends. Other tools include walking in nature, meditation, or exploration of a spiritual path.
Self-knowledge lies beyond the talents of intellect. It is also coming home to your body and soul.
Warmly,
Cheryl
Are You Feeling Bruised by the World?
When feeling bruised by the world, you may have an instinctual longing to find your heart again. At the same time, your heart may be the last place you want to go - especially if you are suffering or feeling out of control.
Yet this vulnerability can allow for a kind of mindful suffering. It can be a time for seeing where walls need to be, where fears come from, and how one traps them self. Sometimes shutting down is the best option in the short term, just to get through the day. But eventually, one has the opportunity to remake life for the better.
So no matter where you are today, remember that the thing that hurts the most can become a vehicle to a new freedom, it you become willing to work with it. By listening to your healing heart, and sharing it with those who care, you will eventually find a sense of lightness and joy.
Going Back in Time
Especially with trauma, and sometimes because of present unhappiness, one goes back in their minds to try to work out or learn from what did or did not happen. This is just the way the mind works. It wants to go over and over events in hopes of avoiding mistakes and changing the future.
Looking back can be healthy, or it can become obsessive and keep us from fully living life today. If you are reviewing or feeling the past in a way that is not productive, it is often a good time to reach out to another person so that the past can be put into perspective. After all, the present is the place where we can ultimately find peace with the past.
Good Luck Today,
Cheryl
Being Imperfect
The mind is fickle. We may want to do good, to be good, to get things right but alas, we are human. Things get said that cannot be taken back. We have that extra bowl or ice cream. We yell at our kids. It happens.
Does this mean we are doomed to live a life in an overcast world, where the sun rarely shines, and the rain rarely clears the air?
No. As long as you can find a shred of hope the sun will come again. Remember, change takes time, but through the habit of seeking it, of visualizing what you really want out of life, that whick you want will be looking for you!
Happy Hunting,
Cheryl Deaner, LMFT
Thought Stopping
Thought stopping is the habit of watching one's own thoughts, and deciding when you have had enough of a certain thought that is bringing you down. Many people do not realize that unwanted thoughts can be stopped just by refusing to pay attention to them. You can also decide not to increase the power of certain thoughts by not verbalizing them.
You don't have to say or think ANYTHING you don't want to say or think. Even if an unwelcome thought comes back, you can stop it over again until it loses its potency. We have much more power than we realize when it comes to controlling the chattering of our minds. The idea of thought stopping is a cognitive behavioral technique, well documented to be applicable to most situations. I personally think of it as reclaiming one's own mind.
Warm Regards,
Cheryl Deaner
What's Next!?
Anxiety often takes the form of trying to guess what terrible thing is going to happen next. Here is a simple truth to ponder. The bad things you think are going to happen seldom do, at least the form you are imagining they will.
Something else will go wrong eventually, but 90% of the time, it is not what you could anticipate. So the scenarios you spent your time worrying about do you no good!
What's the point? As the old Bobby McFerrin song went: "Don't Worry, Be Happy."
If you can't be happy, then come see me;-)
Warmly,
Cheryl
Working Too Hard?
Successful at work but baffled in your personal life? You are not alone. Often clients come in to therapy with the ability to compartmentalize their working life from their personal life, with personal freedom taking the backseat.
Hard work is greatly rewarded, but internally, once work is over a person can go home to loneliness, depression or just confusion. Meaningful relationships suffer or simply aren't developed when one is too busy to address them.
Sound a little familiar? Don't take this condition for granted. Years can slip by while you work!
Feel free to contact me if you think you would like to try a new way to manage your stress and your personal life.
Sincerely,
Cheryl
What is Your Only Obligation?
"Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself."
- Richard Bach, Illusions
When Love Feels Elusive
Love is one of those words that can be used very, very imprecisely. For example, look at the slogan: "Love - it's what makes a Subaru a Subaru." Need I say more?
Often people are unaware of the powerful healing force of love. Even when they are loved, they may not be able to receive the love, benefit from it or even acknowledge that it exists. Imagine a hungry person sitting down to a meal that they believe is constructed of styrofoam when it is actually tasty and nourishing food.
I have come to the conclusion that supporting people's efforts to grow and understand and trust in love may be at the heart of most people's practice. It is surely at the heart of mine.
Warm Regards,
Cheryl Deaner, MFT36764
Good Habits are More Important than Bad Ones
Why? Good habits sustain you when your will to do the right thing is weak. They push you forward like a warm wind on your back when everything else seems hopeless. Continuing a good habit even though your world is falling apart can be the best thing in the world for you! It means you still have dignity.
Everyone has some idea of what their bad habits are. Forget them for awhile and numerate your good habits instead. Cultivate them instead. Almost no bad habit can sustain itself in the presence of many good ones.
If you have an addiction, or a character flaw, or something that does not respond to good habits, even then, good habits can lead you to a place where you can consider what you need to do differently in order to change them. They are like a compass pointing you in the right direction.
Warm Regards,
Cheryl Deaner, LMFT 36764
Slogging Like a Hobbit
This week I feel like I am slogging through having my house restuccoed, painted and repaired. It is not that I am not grateful to be having it done, it's just that the myriad chores and complications of it all are making it seem to go on forever.
Sometimes clients face a string of overwhelming events events in their lives also feel like what they are going through is a permanent state of affairs, even though logically they know an end must come at some point to current dilemmas.
In the Lord of the Rings the well-intentioned hobbits must go on very long adventures, which are entertaining to a degree, and after that are just a long and sometimes dangerous slog. The silver lining is that by holding good intentions and just plodding through today's path, one will eventually win out.
Warm Regards,
Cheryl
Winter into Spring
There is joy to be had as Winter slowly releases its grip into Spring. How much can one bear to notice? Is it permissible to tear oneself away from the everyday thoughts and anxieties that play in our day-to-day lives in order to notice the beauty of change?
No matter how important our worries seem, no matter how pressing our problems, there is a part of us that remains separate and calm. Take a moment to find this inner stillness, this inner beauty. You will know you have arrived when joy looks back at you in a crocus, a sunset or a raindrop.
Have a wonderful week,
Cheryl
Codependency: When People Become Addictive
Codependency is an unconscious attempt to try to replace one's own needs with concern for another person, or in come cases, with one's work. It is never really successful, but when one is in the grip of unpleasant feelings about oneself - such as fear, shame, loneliness or anxiety - focusing on someone or something else can seem to temporarily make our problems seem more tolerable.
Unfortunate, codependency can be psychologically and physically addictive. This is why some people stay in relationships way too long, or put up with circumstances that they would never want a friend or loved one to endure. Fortunately, with support and dedication, codependency can be overcome. When this happens, positive changes that one would not have imagined possible will begin to occur.
Here's to living in your own best interest,
Cheryl
The Business of Running Your Life
One might think that a private and public life are very different. But in one way, they are the same - they are both businesses. Only you can decide what the currency is of your private life, but if you do not seek it, it will rarely appear by magic. Turn inward and look at what is really important to you. What stands in your way? Who is good for you, who is not? What needs to change for you to profit personally from your time here on earth?
Be about the business of change.
Warm Regards,
Cheryl Deaner, LMFT 36764
When in Doubt - Wait!
Doing nothing can feel really difficult when you are having major doubt about an important piece of your life, but it is often the best thing to do.
Don't give in to the anxiety to act. Sit back, remove yourself from your immediate trouble. Talk to someone you trust who is detached from your personal situation. Contemplate or meditate what you really want to do. Fear and hurry shut down better reasoning. Don't let them make your decision for you!
Take Care,
Cheryl
Codependency
Codependency is an unconscious attempt to try to replace ones own needs with concern for another person, or in some cases with one's career. It is never really successful, but when one is in the grip of unpleasant feelings about ones self - such as fear, shame incompleteness or anxiety - focusing on someone or something else can temporarily make one's problems more tolerable.
Unfortunately, the habit of codependency can be psychologically and physically addictive. This is why some people stay in relationships way too long, or put up with circumstances that they would never want a friend or loved one to endure. Fortunately, with support and dedication, codependency can be overcome. When this happens, changes that one would not have seemed possible begin to happen.
Here's to living for our own selves,
Cheryl