How to Survive Your Own Mistakes


Everyone makes bad decisions.  Unless of course you are perfect, and even saints made mistakes before they become realized.   Once you make a mistake it cannot be undone and it frequently becomes easier to repeat  This repetition simply ups the ante for punishment in the end.

The mind is a funny thing.  It can tell you "It's alright. No one will find out, no one will get hurt."  But in the meantime, what happens to you?  Are you still able to feel the same way about yourself?  Do you find yourself having to hide things for people you care about, or fear, or want nothing to do with?

Since mistakes are inevitable, it is usually best to find someone that you can trust to listen to you without revealing your secret.  Try to sort out with this confidant how to resolve your mistake.  You might be surprised that what you have done is not as bad as you think.  Or maybe that there is a guilt that you should learn to live with in order to not hurt a person that is innocent. The main thing is, by not keeping your secret to yourself, you take responsibility for yourself.  You move on.

You are the main victim of your own bad decisions.  If you treat yourself with enough kindness and firmness there is a good chance that you will be able to resolve your mistake with the least amount of hurt involved for everyone.  

Warm Regards, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT

Dealing With Difficult People - Ten Tips to Make Life Less Stressful


Difficult Relationships – Ten Tips to Make Life Less Stressful


Difficult people are everywhere – but in your personal life, they can be devastating! When someone close to you is in the midst of their own pain, anger or other negative emotions, they can completely ignore what they are doing to you. Below are 10 tips on how to handle difficult people in your personal life:


  1. Remember that most of the reason they are upset with you is not personal. Even

though you may have a part in what is happening for them, their state of mind is what

determines their behavior and their words. Their own thoughts are creating a version of you

that is inaccurate. It is not you.


  1. If you think you deserve to be slighted you will be. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” said Eleanor Roosevelt. Don't let another person dictate your self-esteem.


  1. Feeling disliked stings. It is hard to not to want to retaliate when someone seems to be deliberately trying to hurt you! Do your best to not respond if you are emotionally reeling from a verbal attack, a nasty silence, or a show of contempt. Give both yourself and the other person time to back down before moving on to solving an issue between you.


  1. They may not realize they are impinging on you. This may seem hard to believe, but when people want to feel important, are having a bad day, or acting unconsciously, they may wonder why you seem so crabby! Gently point out how what they are doing affects you.


  1. You must want to get along with the more than to engage in drama. Stay true to what you want the relationship to look like. Chances are good that they will be won over. Being kind is often the fastest way to end a drama.


  1. Is an unhealthy dependency part of the problem? Dependency kills respect. When you

let yourself be dependent, or another person encourages you to take care of them without

mutually agreed reciprocity - resentment easily finds its way into a relationship.


  1. Are you truly able to listen? Not listening and not understanding can lead to shouting, withdrawal and hurt feelings. Listen to the person without interrupting and look at them. When

they are completely done, ask if you can repeat back to them what you heard for clarification.


8) It is human to confuse fighting with caring, especially if this was what was modeled in

one's family. This “negative caring” can lead to full-out relationship war. Is it easier to fight

than communicate? If so, seek more positive ways of caring as quickly as you can.


  1. You can't always get another person to seek help so you may have to do the changing.

But don't worry – if you change, they will have to change over time. Relationships are like any

other system – if you change your output, it follows that the system will change.


  1. Is your life out of balance? Is it possible you are so caught up with your career, other

people, hobbies and activities that you are neglecting your most important relationships? Do you spend much less quality time with the difficult person than you once did?


Relationships more than anything else help us grow and mature in life. They polish off our rough edges and support us to live longer and happier lives.


Often, the most powerful secret to changing another person's behavior is simply to treat them differently. It is often the fastest and best way to get out of a nasty situation with someone you care about.




Strong Comtemporary Women

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“A strong woman is a woman determined to do something others are determined not be done.”

                                                 Marge Piercy

“I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.”

                                                Lucille Ball

“It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.”

                                                Maya Angelou

Power’s not given to you. You have to take it.”

                                               Beyoncé Knowles Carter

“It’s not the absence of fear, it’s overcoming it. Sometimes you’ve got to blast through and have faith.” 

                                               Emma Watson



No One Gets Loved Exactly the Way they Want. . .


. . .but they often get what they need.  No two people love in the same way.  Couples therapy often turns a corner when a couple realizes that their partner does actually love them deeply, but in ways that they have not fully realized.

True love involves having enough love for yourself that another person does not have to love you exactly the way you love to them.


Cheryl Deaner, LMFT#36764




Spring is Coming


There is a joy out there as Winter slowly begins to release its grip into Spring.  How much can one bear to notice?  Is it tolerable to tear oneself away from everyday thoughts and anxieties long enough to notice the subtle and not-so-subtle moments of change?

No matter how important our worries seem today, no matter how pressing our problems, there is a part of us that remains separate and calm.  Take a moment to find that inner stillness, that inner beauty.  You will know you are seeing joy when you really notice a crocus, the sunset, or a raindrop.

Have a Wonderful March,

Cheryl Deaner, LMFT 36764                                                                                                                    


Why Codependency Doesn't Work


Codependency is a largely unconscious attempt to have another person in one's life in a way that makes one feel and loved and needed.  It occasionally, briefly works - which is a hook for a way of living that will ultimately fail.

Many good people live with the idea that they are unworthy or otherwise not very lovable.  In the grip of unpleasant feelings about oneself, the escape to codependency takes root.  Focusing on another person's problems helps one to feel capable and useful. But ultimately, the other person will become an excuse for one's frustration and dissatisfaction.

Some people stay in relationships way too long.  They put up with circumstances that they would never want a friend or loved one to endure.  However, the good news is that codependency can be overcome, and you can put oneself back in the driver's seat of life. 

If you think you may be codependent, by all means reach out for support.  This could mean reading about codependency, talking to someone who knows you and cares about you, going to Codependent's Anonymous and finding a therapist.  Just getting rid of your codependent is often not enough - another will probably come along soon if you haven't changed!

Once free of codependency, life blossoms in ways that you would not have dreamed were possible.

Regards, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT

When Someone Does Not Want to Forgive You


Feeling unforgiven by someone can be very unpleasant.  Your mind may go over and the situation with that person, trying to figure out over and over again how to get forgiveness or what went wrong or if it was even your fault.  None of this changes the situation.

Here are ways to change the situation:

1)  Have you asked for forgiveness? This is the first and most important step.  Even if you think you did nothing, have you listened to why they feel the way they do and said you were sorry for the way the situation made them feel?  If so, and they haven't forgiven you,

2)  Are you respectful and kind to the person when you need to deal with them?  This may help the other person to understand that you perhaps did not mean to harm them.

3)  Don't keep apologizing.  This will make them less apt to forgive you.  Once is enough.  No one wants to feel coerced into forgiveness by the person they feel harmed them.  Time and space may be necessary for forgiveness.

4)  Some people need to hold onto resentments for some reason that you may never know.  You can't do a thing with this type of person except treat them with courtesy and hope someday they come around.

5)  The only person you can change is yourself, not another person.  What lessons do you learn with someone refuses to forgive?  How do these lessons make you a better person?  If they never forgive you, but you as a result are a better person, then they have given you a great gift.

6)  Let go of them, and forgive yourself.

Warmly, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT#36764

When Ego Gets in the Way


An out-of -control ego is blind to its destructive power. Whether an ego is too big or too small is less important than the amount of pain it causes.  Since an unregulated ego is very hard to see, here are three symptoms of being under its influence:

1. A lack of insight that what feels good in the present can lead to pain in the long run.

2. An unwillingness to consider good advice that runs counter to what one wants.

3. An urgency to do what one wants and an inability to focus on healthier ways of getting one's needs met

There are many factors that limit insight into the demands of one's ego. These include mood swings, family patterns, addiction and habitual choices for a few.  The good news is a person who is willing to do whatever it takes to develop proper ego function can succeed. Here are a few of the ways help regulate the ego:

1. Be willing to ask for and let in the advice and support of friends and family.

2. Realize that everyone makes mistakes, and everyone makes a fool out of themselves sometimes.

3. Become someone you can trust. To trust oneself is to love oneself.

4. Seek professional advice and be willing to experiment with new approaches to your problems

5. Know that people already see us as we are, not what we pretend to be.

6. Cultivate gratitude. It is the underpinning of the sort of humility in life that helps us to fall more gracefully, get up again and learn.

I Wish You the Best,

Cheryl Deaner, LMFT

Are You Running Away from a Feeling?


What feeling do you most want to run away from?  For some it is sadness, or grief - for others, anger or anxiety.  Some can't abide admitting to jealousy or envy.  Often, people do not realize that they are avoiding a feeling.  They may stay busy, drink, socialize or otherwise create barriers to becoming aware of unwanted feelings.

One thing to realize is that feelings can't kill you - but chronically avoiding your feelings actually can!

So try this.  Sit down with a paper and pen.  Think of the thing that bothers you the most for exactly one minute.  Then write about your feelings.  In this way, you are freeing yourself from being a prisoner of a dreaded feeling.  It the feeling continues to occur with intensity, talk it over with someone you trust or maybe a therapist.

Take Care,

Cheryl Deaner, LMFT 36764


Winter Blues


With the holidays over and frequent overcast skies, people can often feel blue.  Sometimes rain, fog and other elements keep one inside more and lead to boredom as well.  Mild depression is the next step.  Depression is often simply the outcome of feeling that one is trapped in the same thing every day.

If you are feeling bored or humdrum or empty, there is a good chance you just have the Winter blues, especially if they subside after a day or two.  If it feels deeper than that, you might be experiencing signs of depression.

Try getting some exercise, talking to a friend about how you feel, eating a healthy meal or going on a little trip.  If doing what you like instead of what you think you should do does not help, then you might consider talking to a professional or counselor about your state.  Life doesn't have to be so hard!

Regards, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT


Gratitude is so much a part of many psychotherapies as well as spiritual paths.  I believe it is because gratitude is a natural way to foster positive movement in a person.  The result of this movement is more happiness.

The mind is a willing servant, and it thinks what a person wants it to think.  As Abraham Lincoln once said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be".  

Gratefully Yours, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT

 Gratitude is so much a part of many psychotherapies as well as spiritual paths.  I believe it is because gratitude is a natural way to foster positive movement in a person.  The result of this movement is more happiness.  The mind is a willing servant, and it thinks what a person wants it to think.  As Abraham Lincoln once said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be".    Gratefully Yours, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT

Gratitude is so much a part of many psychotherapies as well as spiritual paths.  I believe it is because gratitude is a natural way to foster positive movement in a person.  The result of this movement is more happiness.

The mind is a willing servant, and it thinks what a person wants it to think.  As Abraham Lincoln once said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be".  

Gratefully Yours, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT

"Controlling" Behavior at Work and it's Affect on Life Balance


The level at which on

The level at which one is aware of their own "controlling" behavior at work is very important. Everyone wants a degree of control in their universe. It is healthy unless one does not realize how it can distort one's reality. A successful person in the marketplace may be rewarded richly for being controlling, yet be baffled that the same controlling behavior backfires miserably at home, or in one's social life.

At work, the capacity to be in control can make one appear competent and accomplished. It can be seen as a leadership quality and bolster one's sense of power. Yet one can base too much of their self-esteem in this sort of external bolstering and it can lead to an unbalanced life.

The term "workaholic" is a catch-all word for this sort of controlling person. Workaholism is insidious. If you are reading this you probably know someone who fits the description. The need to control one's personal relationships as though they were business relationships simply does not work.

Awareness of one's need to control is the first step to changing the pattern. Shifting one's pattern happens when this awareness seeps into other areas of one's life. One can begin to exchange time at work with personal time. Investing in friends, activities outside work and family can allow one to start feeling more human again. 

The habit of being controlling can be hard to overcome. Often, seeking outside support is recommended.

Warm Regards, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT 36764



In this New Year, right now, all things are possible.  So why not prepare ourselves for a revelation?  A revelation is defined as a new disclosure, especially one with surprising or valuable information. 

A new year gives us a moment to look up, to see the world anew, to invite new intention and blessings.  Is is a time to let go of the woes that stifle insight and new meanings.

If you want to know what you should do, or to set a new goal, or see things in a different light, be on the lookout for revelation, which always lives in the present moment.  Never give up hope that more will be revealed.

Happy New Year, 

Cheryl Deaner, LMFT



Stopping By the Woods on a Snowy Evening


Whose woods these are I think I know.   

His house is in the village though;   

He will not see me stopping here   

To watch his woods fill up with snow.   


My little horse must think it queer   

To stop without a farmhouse near   

Between the woods and frozen lake   

The darkest evening of the year.   


He gives his harness bells a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

The only other sound’s the sweep   

Of easy wind and downy flake.   


The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

                                                               -  Robert Frost

The Difficult Art of Maturity


Eleanor Roosevelt's book "You Learn by Living" has a chapter on maturity.  This is my favorite paragraph from that chapter:

 "One must be willing to have knowledge of oneself.  You have to be honest with yourself.  You must try to understand truthfully what makes you do things or feel things.  Until you have been able to face the truth about yourself you cannot be really sympathetic or understanding in regard to what happens to other people.  But it takes courage to face yourself and to acknowledge what motivates you in the things you do."

How true!  Especially the part about courage.  But with courage comes contentment, and that is the best present you can give yourself.

Wishing You All Best,

Cheryl Deaner, LMFT 36764



Having gratitude is part of the philosophy of most motivational speakers and spiritual movements. Why?  Because it amplifies success and creates a well of good fortune to draw from. 

Try this experiment.  Think of a negative situation in your life that happens over and over again.  It could be dealing with a co-worker or traffic or the dishes - really anything.  Decide in advance to create a story of why you are grateful about the situation - even if the story seems a bit artificial.  This is just an experiment, after all. 

The next time the event happens, apply your thoughts of gratitude to the event.  Be creative - you will be surprised what you can come up with!  By focusing on these thoughts, the event itself will actually seem different.

As Abraham Lincoln once said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." 

Have a Great Monday, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT#36764

What is a Successful Vision?


Manifestation in the material world begins with a clear, direct vision of what you want to create and the commitment to getting there.  Successful people use goal-setting, visualizing, writing, talking to others, therapy, coaching, workshops and many other tools to to create an atmosphere within themselves that will allow them to grow.

Knowing what you want is an act of courage.  There are so many substitutes for what one really wants that are way less scary (and easier!) to implement than going whole-heartedly into the unknown.  But playing it safe will not lead to anything other than moderate success, if that.

Here are two main points to consider:

1)  Have a clear and detailed vision of your success.  Foster a strong belief and longing in yourself that you can do what needs to be done in order to  actualize this success.

3)  Be persistent in your focus until your success manifests into reality.  Your best reality has its own way of coming to manifestation, so be flexible and don't give up too soon!



Thanksgiving Blues


In this crazy world we live in, Thanksgiving week is deep in our national psyche.  Some of its associations are positive, like gratitude, time off and good food. Other feelings are more complex.  For instance, tension and expectation, loved ones who have passed away, family arguments and so on.  Nostalgia, drinking, eating to much and expectations of holiday bliss can bring on the holiday blues.

No matter what you are doing for Thanksgiving, do it because you want to do it.  Please do not judge yourself by another's expectation.  Even if this means staying away from an event or leaving early, your choice is the appropriate one.  No one will remember if you forgot the cranberry sauce, but they may  remember your state of mind.

Focusing on good feelings, especially gratitude, often helps.  After all, this is supposed to be the whole point of the holiday. Make sure you give yourself the opportunity to spend time with the most important person in your world – yourself!

Happy Holiday, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT

Mental Poverty


Mental poverty is a state in which one feels a lack, or inadequate.  Emptiness can also be a sign of mental poverty, as can avoidance.  

Mental poverty is a rut that can start in many ways. Perhaps one's parents passed on a negative view of the world, or a propensity to addiction One's sense of capacity may be impacted by a dreadful job, or through grinding physical poverty.   Depression and anxiety can also push one to feel like they have nothing to give to themselves or anyone else.  These are but a few examples.

Mental poverty can only be reversed by the person experiencing it because mental poverty is a state of mind - nothing more, nothing less.  If this blog post reminds you of someone - even yourself - know that you are not bound by the trap of mental poverty for the rest of your life.  Your past does not control your future. 

Start today to examine the areas of your personality that may be affected with mental poverty.  These might be reflected in such areas as gossip, fearfulness, complaining without changing, drinking too much or ignoring opportunities when they do present themselves.  Procrastinating, or having a knee-jerk negative reaction to opinions that are different than yours are also signs of mental poverty.

To be a person means to have been given the gift of volition - the capacity for change.  You are not a product of your past.  If you have a pocket or two of mental poverty in your life, you can actually change your state and increase the abundance of your life.

Warmest Regards,

Cheryl Deaner, LMFT #36764





What Makes Us Want to Start New Ventures?


I believe that all people have an innate need to create.  Some create families, others businesses and some art.  To create - to express something uniquely oneself -  is a way of feeling fully human.  It expands personal growth and helps one find connection with an audience, friend or lover, business associate or child.  Sometimes, one's own audience is all that is needed.

Creation is often not easy, even when it is enticing.  It can seem like the more important the venture is, the more challenging it can become.  Perhaps this is because change in general is difficult.  But when a change is an important one, it can seem that there is more to lose, so some don't even start.

Yet the challenge is good.  Putting oneself into the wide open sea of ideas and adventure is a good thing.  It keeps one alive and growing.  It helps the rest of the world.

Good luck today in all your challenges and ventures!