I define self-pity as a lack of empathy for oneself because empathy is an emotion rooted in caring. To have empathy for oneself naturally cares enough to ameliorate a bad situation. Caught in self-pity, one only invites more abuse and distances those who might otherwise be supportive.
Self-pity often begins in early childhood, when those who should have shown empathy for a child failed to do so. The child learns they can do nothing about the way they are treated and that they just have to bear neglect or bad treatment. In an adult, this is what self-pity looks like. The person feeling sorry for themselves does not take the lead to change their plight, as someone else is to blame. Self-pity is not only toxic for the sufferer but for everyone around them.
Almost everyone has a bout of self-pity now and then, but most people get tired of it rather quickly and move on to change their condition. They care about making their situation better. They don't stay stuck. If someone you know (or you!) are feeling caught up in feeling sorry for themselves, here are some ways to let go of this destructive emotion:
1) Put a time limit on self-pity. After 5 minutes, start looking for solutions.
2) Try to notice if the suffering is complicated by depression or anxiety. If you think it is, perhaps a therapist or other medical professional can help.
3) Limit complaining to others. It just reinforces being stuck and drives them away. Instead, lay out your problem but put your focus what you can do to better your situation.
4) Making a gratitude list as a way of draining the toxicity of self-pity. Make the list at least 10 items long.
5) Stop being a victim – simply refuse to victimize oneself!