Are You Friends with Your Own Mind?

Are you a friend to your own mind? Yes, you may have done things you regret. You may have made short-sighted mistakes. You may have been unkind or neglectful to those who care about you, and over valued the opinions of those who did not really care about you. Or you may have been told from an early age that who you are was bad or wrong.

It you can turn the humiliations of life into humility if you give yourself a chance. You can even move past guilt and shame to forgive yourself for being imperfect. In doing so, you can also become a better, more emphatic friend to others.

There are many ways to make friends with your mind. Here are but a few:

Pay attention to your own mind, and tell yourself the truth. You can use supportive techniques such as meditation, contemplation or keeping a journal. Find out which methods suit you. Look at your thoughts and feelings with kindness.

Find friends, mentors and teachers you look up to or admire in order to help you to grow inwardly. The company we keep has so much influence over us. It can make us a better or worse person without our even being aware of it.

Treat your body with respect. Feed it well, keep it moving and get enough sleep. Watch out for the traps of alcohol and drug abuse.

If you have wronged someone, work on understanding why. If an apology would help the other person, then make one and move on. Instead of dwelling on past regretful behavior, vow to treat others as you would like to be treated in the future.

This list could go on, but these are a few basic tools for becoming a friend of your mind. If you think that therapy would support you in the journey, feel free to call me.

Feel Like You Are Faking It?


Impostor Syndrome creates a life of anxiety and stress in those who have it. It is exhausting! People who have it often report having symptoms like the following:

- Being uncomfortable with praise, promotion or being singled out for positive attention

- The feeling that making a mistake means you are not good enough

- People pleasing

- Not standing up for yourself when it would be appropriate

- Fear of rejection even when people seem to like you

- Feeling invisible

Our society frequently rewards people for being someone they are not, and in some families, wearing a mask is a pragmatic survival mechanism. But for people with Impostor Syndrome, the need to stay masked, even from oneself, runs deep.  Here are three tools that can help free one from this debilitating syndrome:

1) Acknowledge your own specific symptoms. Write them down and be aware that they are just stories and not real. Seeing them as symptoms will give you more clarity in choosing how you decide to think. act and feel.

2) Do something small every day to counteract Impostor Syndrome. Huge change all at once will probably be too much. Small measured steps work best.

3) Talk to someone who knows you well and has your back. Or speak with a mentor that you trust or a professional therapist. Talking about what is going on will help you to develop the resiliency that is needed for you to really start to be yourself.

Impostor Syndrome need not be a permanent condition. Get the support you need to go inward so you can begin to develop the strength to be your true self. By doing so, your life will become happier and much less stressful.

Crazy Optimism

The rains that continue in Northern California are having a direct impact on people's emotions, especially emotions like the blues, boredom, irritability and even depression.

Yesterday I was at a gathering of people. I asked one friend, “how are you doing with this weather? They responded “I am feeling a depressed by how long this rain has been going on and it really is starting to affect my moods.” Their response sounded totally reasonable to me, especially because I have had basement flooding in the last week. I felt sympathetic.

Then I asked another friend “How are you doing with this weather?” Their response was “I am so grateful that I have such excellent buckets. The buckets are catching the rain inside of my house so that it is not getting as wet.” At first I was startled. Then I replied “you know, I am so happy I have such excellent box cutters. They have allowed me to quickly cut up and remove all the soggy carpets from my basement”. Then we looked at each other and both started laughing.

Just for today, the world is as I choose to see it. Sometimes crazy optimism is simply the best option – especially when dealing with something as uncontrollable as weather.

What Were You Put On Earth To Do?

Often a person is not just put on earth to not just do one thing but many. But it is also heartening to think of that one might have an overarching purpose. To find a bigger purpose for your life this very day, take the time to look into your heart. What does your heart want?

I am not asking you to be pulled willy-nilly by the transient feelings we all have every day - these are not necessarily the feelings in one’s heart. And of course, there is also a difference between the wishes of your head and those of your heart.

So what does your heart want? Stop. Go inside and spend some time looking at your heart’s desire.

Annual Solstice Poem

Holiday Greetings

Winter Solstice is this Wednesday, December 21. n honor of the quiet joy of deepening Winter, here is my favorite seasonal poem by Robert Frost:

STOPPING BY THE WOODS ON A SNOWY EVENING

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer

To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound’s the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

Three Signs of Codependency

Codependency is often hard to understand because relationship patterns that feel natural but bring pain and emptiness may seem normal. Where does one draw the line between healthy caring and codependency? Here are three indicators:

1) Trying to get someone to change - this can cost considerable amounts of thought and even obsession but has no real payoff.

2) Being totally "fed up" with a partner, child, friend or colleague while feeling quite attached to them. This is confusing. Anger, despair and love and loyalty are not mutually exclusive, and this can be quite confusing.

3) Not knowing what you want or even need yet trying to provide everyone else with what they want and need.

What is the reward for codependency? Usually it is tied up with fear of losing one's reality. Obsession with another person can be a drug-like escape.

The good news is that codependency is a habit, and habits can be broken. If you are wondering if you are codependent, then by reading this you have already taken the first step to changing your life.

Feel free to contact me, or at least to check out CODA (CODA.org). Or if your loved one is involved in substance abuse, contact Al-Anon (Alanon.org). Your suffering can start ending today.

When Love Feels Bruising

When love feels bruising, it can be easy to want to just shut down and this can be good in the short term. Yet living with heartache can illuminate one’s life in many new ways. Strengths, goals, weaknesses and fears, both reasonable and unreasonable, are closer to the surface .

Opening one's heart even a little bit allows space for new, more positive people to come into your life. It can grant the humility to consider options that that you would not have seriously looked at in the past. 

A bruised heart can respond more easily to spiritual experience, friendship, therapy and other forms of new learning It can allow you to connect with creativity and energy you may have not even realized were missing.

So when love feels bruising, be kind to yourself and try to stay open. In time, you will reap many gentle, healing rewards

Why Start Therapy?

People often start therapy because their best efforts have not solved a painful personal problem. Other people enter therapy because they want more out of life. They know something is not right, and rather continue in a confused or unhappy state, they want to better understand themselves and find the motivation they need to succeed.

However, pain relief and self-growth are not mutually exclusive. Stopping pain while also seeking a more fulfilling path in life creates a synergy that leads to a better life.

I believe that everyone deserves contentment and happiness in their lives. I believe that the road to a more peaceful and productive life is always to be found within oneself. And I believe that change is always possible if one is willing to work for it.

When Someone You Love is Difficult

Difficult people are everywhere - but in your personal life, they can feel devastating! When someone close to you is caught up in their own pain, anger or other negative emotions, they can completely ignore what they are doing to you - and even self-justify it! But you don’t have to let it ruin your life.

First, remember that most of the reason that they are upset with you is not personal. Even though you make have some part in what is happening for them, their state of mind is what determines how they behave. Their thoughts create a verson of you that is NOT you.

Secondly, feeling disliked stings. It is hard not to retaliate when someone seems to be deliberately trying to hurt you. Do your best to not respond in kind, even if you are emotionally reeling. Give both yourself and the other person time to back down before moving on to solving the issue.

Thirdly, is an unhealthy dependency part of the problem? Dependency kills respect. When you let yourself be dependant on someone, or another person encourages you to take care of them without mutually agreed upon terms, resentment can take over your relationship.

Relationships more than anything else help us grow and mature. They polish off rough edges in our character and support us to live longer and happier lives.

Rembmers, often the most powerful secret to changing another person’s behavior is to change your own. Then you will automatically treat them differently. This is the fastest way to get out of a nasty situation with someone you care about.

October's Bright Blue Weather - by Helen Hunt Jackson

When I was a schoolgirl my favorite teacher had us memorize this beautiful poem. It still surfaces into my consciousness every October. I hope you will enjoy it!

O SUNS and skies and clouds of June,
And flowers of June together,
Ye cannot rival for one hour
October’s bright blue weather;

When loud the bumble-bee makes haste,
Belated, thriftless vagrant,
And Golden-Rod is dying fast,
And lanes with grapes are fragrant;

When Gentians roll their fringes tight
To save them for the morning,
And chestnuts fall from satin burrs
Without a sound of warning;

When on the ground red apples lie
In piles like jewels shining,
And redder still on old stone walls
Are leaves of woodbine twining;

When all the lovely wayside things
Their white-winged seeds are sowing,
And in the fields, still green and fair,
Late aftermaths are growing;

When springs run low, and on the brooks,
In idle golden freighting,
Bright leaves sink noiseless in the hush
Of woods, for winter waiting;

When comrades seek sweet country haunts,
By twos and twos together,
And count like misers, hour by hour,
October’s bright blue weather.

O suns and skies and flowers of June,
Count all your boasts together,
Love loveth best of all the year
October’s bright blue weather.

What is Hope?

Hope. Just as a single spark can create fire, a single spark of hope can create a better life. Even when all seems hopeless, hope still exists, just as surely as the sun still shines on a cloudy day. Hope lives in the absence of external evidence because it is the product of one's most innate nature. Hope illuminates the better path to take.

Here are just a few of my observations about finding that spark of hope even when all seems lost:

  • Become willing to “act as if” there is a way out of a current problem, even in the face of no external evidence. Don't be afraid to “fake it till you make it.” Any action will get the ball rolling.

  • Understand that you don't know everything about any situation you find yourself in. Even though your feelings are real, they might not be true.

  • You can only change yourself. Stop trying to change others, it just doesn't work.

  • Take Maya Angelou's advice and "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."

  • Remember, you don't have to do this all alone.

The Importance of Patience

Patience costs nothing yet it is priceless. It allows one to live in the layers of life, not just along the goal-driven, hurried surface. Often people get caught up rushing toward their future because they have been let to think satisfaction is just down the road – but is it? Patience gets one where one wants to go quicker than any other path.

Patience is the antithesis of reactivity and self-sabotage. And anyone can practice patience anytime, even while reading this short post. Patience enhances one's relationship with oneself. It is a of sign of self-respect.

Practice patience in the small moments of your life today. For only in these moments you are fully capable to make life's best, most satisfying choices.

The Importance of Really Seeing Others

Have you ever gone through a day feeling lonely, even though you may have seen and interacted with people all day? Maybe it's because you didn't really see them. Really noticing people, and letting them see you, is a blessing to both parties. It is a cleansing moment of shared humanity.

Yet going beyond the boundaries of transactional relationships can feel risky - and in some cases it is right to maintain strong boundaries. But often, people simply feel afraid of the unknown. One might think “but what if I risk really engaging with them and. . .(fill in the blank).

I think one reason people fear connecting with others is that they may not feel very connected to themselves. When avoiding unsettling emotions or blocking unwanted thoughts from one's own mind, it is much more difficult to be aware of others.

When feeling lonely, take an honest look inward. Some ways people to this include journaling, contemplating, meditating, reading, being in nature, calling an old friend or seeking spiritual growth. Sometimes, talking to a mentor or starting therapy can help.

It can take effort to break away from the lonely a habit of being locked up inside, but it is worth it. By broadening one's connections to others one creates a more universal perspective on life. This in turn gives one a larger capacity for life, love and joy.

Not Quite Feeling Yourself These Days?

Our country is living through unsettling times. Are we moving toward healing? Will the future hold bipartisan unity - or war? In some ways we are more isolated than we have ever been, and at the same time the news coming into our homes is often violent and disconcerting.

These extra layers of stressors can cause symptoms such as feeling frayed, short tempered, unfocused, anxious, depressed or even a bit disassociated from the world..

Here are a few ways that may help you to feel more like yourself:

1) Get lots of sleep. It is a lot of work for the brain to integrate the kinds of extra-stressful experiences we are having these days, and more rest than usual is needed.

2) Make time to care about others. Talk to friends and relatives you may have put off speaking with because you don't feel your best self. Chances are they haven't either and will welcome your call.

3) Eat well. Take a walk. Self care will improve your sense of well being in ways that you may not realize.

4) Be careful with alcohol or other substances. It can trigger unhappiness with family and friends in these tense times. It can also lead to an habitual escape pattern that creates a downward spiral.

5) Take time to meditate, contemplate or journal. Make lists of what you need to accomplish during day or week. All these are stabilizing and help you to access your better self.

6) Finally, if you still don't feel right, or are facing larger problems, please consider speaking to a professional therapist.

Considering Parenthood?

Considering parenthood is about making making conscious and informed decisions about aspects of parenting that so many people take for granted or don’t even think about. It takes more thought to get a driver’s license than to become a parent! And being a parent is a much longer road to travel.

The decisions that need to be made include who you want to have a child with as well as who will help raise your child. They also include what your parenting style (and your partners if you chose one) looks like. Also how you will juggle time, money and your career, and even what method you will use to bring a child into your life. One’s religious or spiritual life, discipline style and educational values should also be considered.

By examining these and many more aspects of parenthood, one becomes clear about whether the choice to parent is the best choice. It helps one to parent not only more capably but more confidently.

The Older I Get the Better I Understand This

Remembrance

- By Ranier Maria Rilke

And you wait. You wait for the one thing

that will change your life,

make it more than it is -

something wonderful, exceptional.

stones awakening, depths opening to you.

In the dusky bookstalls

old books glimmer gold and brown.

You think of lands you journeyed through.

of paintings and a dress once worn

by a woman you never found again.

And suddenly you know: that was enough.

You arise and there appears before you

in all its longings and hesitations

the shape of what you lived.

Looking for World Peace?

With all that is going on in the world - climate change, the war in Ukraine, COVID, poverty and racial injustice just to name a few – how does one find a place of peace within? Is it still possible to feel true happiness and love in this turbulent world?

Holistically speaking, it can be difficult to separate one's personal suffering from the suffering of the world. Evil does exist - but love, warmth and connection also exists as we are born with the capacity for the full emotional spectrum of humanity. By focusing on the negativity in the world, especially negativity that we can do very little about, there is little strength left over to change anything!

To change the world, start by changing yourself. Then you can tackle the problems of the outside world in a more grounded and effective way. Otherwise, regret and worry about world events will not only blunt your ability to do good but create more inner negativity.

So in the search for peace, start with yourself.