"An interesting journey never follows a straight path."
- Marjan Van Den Belt
If things went the way we planned, how would we learn anything? Yet sometimes it seems we are on a path that is just too challenging! This is almost never true, but if it is, there is support. If you don't know how to get it, feel free to call.
Otherwise, have a very interesting day!
Warm Regards,
Cheryl
Not Everyone Can Benefit From Therapy
Some people cannot utilize therapy to their advantage. For instance, people who are ordered to start therapy, or are given an ultimatum by a loved one when they don't want to go. These folks have a lower success rate. Others just relate to the world in a way that doesn't make therapy profitable for them. Because there are many paths to wholeness I honor all who find their way by whatever path works for them. I myself have used other paths to happiness as well as therapy in my own life.
However, other people change their lives in amazing ways through therapy, or with a combination of therapy and other practices. If you are on the fence about therapy, please call me for a free, 15 minute consultation to see if it is an option that could be valuable for you.
Warm Regards,
Cheryl
Not Enough Hours in the Day?
Projects threatening to spiral out of control? People wanting more from you than you can give?
This sort of pace might be tolerable for a week, month or even a season, but then it will start to seriously degrade your life.
During times of stress, personal maintenance is a must! Even if the siren song of completing just one more thing is calling you, here are three simple things you can do to find some balance:
1) Take 30 minutes to do something not tied into your responsibilities. Journal, go to a coffee shop, meditate or contemplate.
2) Eat the healthiest food you can find. Stay away from "quick energy" fats and sugars.
3) Do something kind for someone with no work-related motive.
Take Care,
Cheryl
What Feeling do You Most Run From?
What is the feeling you most want to run away from? For some it is sadness or grief, for others - jealousy or anxiety. Often people don't realize just how much energy they are wasting trying to avoid a feeling.
Your feelings can't kill you, but chronically avoiding certain feelings will do you harm. It takes a lot of energy to block them, and they can make you physically as well as mentally sick.
Try this. Sit down with a paper and pen. Then think of the thing that is bothering you for exactly one minute. Afterwards, write about your feelings around it. Don't let yourself be prisoner to a dreaded feeling. If the feeling is just to much to release by this method, then perhaps you could benefit from a therapist for awhile who can help you to explore why you feel the way you do. All you have to lose is your pain.
Take Care,
Cheryl
Summer's Coming - What Should I be Doing?
Either be on vacation, be planning a vacation, or be setting the date for a vacation.
Enjoy Life,
Cheryl
What are Our Real Motives?
Almost all of the reasons we do things, and the feelings about what we do, are layered. By this I mean, if you were to stop for a second and ask yourself why you did a certain thing, or thought it, there would probably be an easy answer. A true answer. But that would seldom be the only answer, or even the real one. It is just the one we most often consciously reference.
How much power there is when we go beyond the surface of the deep river of life! Therapy is a place to learn to trust that river, to question what we think we know is true, and to strike a new deal with ourselves.
This is what I love about this work - the chance to support clients in seeing themselves in new and powerful ways.
Warm Regards,
Cheryl
"But I Can See Their Potential..."
These are words that often lead to considerable unhappiness.
A person is usually just as they present themselves. They are not interested in fulfilling your personal dream of their potential.
If you want someone to change, change yourself. Stop looking at what your loved one could become if they would just let you help them. Look at who they are, and act accordingly, as you would with someone less familiar. Because your only hope to change another is to change yourself.
Compassion for others is often misplaced unless you are compassionate for yourself first.
All Best,
Cheryl
Don't Go Back To Sleep
“The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you,
Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want,
Don't go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth
across the doorsill where the two worlds touch,
The door is wide and open,
Don't go back to sleep.
- Rumi
Resentment and Self Pity (or) Gratitude and Awareness?
Resentment and self pity (or) gratitude and awareness - which set of traits do you want to give your time and energy today? Which set will nourish you? It is true that we actually have plenty of choices over what paths our thoughts will take.
Even if small-minded, unhealthy thoughts that come and come again don't have to rule us if we redirect them and do not give them our energy.
Detachment is a friend of the mind that is developed through frequent use. With awareness, you can always chose to redirect your thoughts, which in turn, can redirect your feelings.
Warmly,
Cheryl
If You are Reading This. . .
If you are reading this, you may be a point in your life where you are ready to make some changes. Therapy does not benefit everyone, but I believe in many cases, it can be a priceless gift yhat you give to yourself. This very personal experience, and your own willingness, can not only help you feel better, but can expand your vision and the capacity to be the person you want to be.
Here's to You!
Cheryl
Receiving
On Friday night I received a Legacy Award from Our Family Coalition, a non-profit I co-founded 20 years ago. Our Family Coalition works statewide with LGBTQI families to make sure all families receive the same educational, social and civil rights and privileges as other families in our society. I actually enjoyed receiving my award! Some say it is better to give than receive - but the older I get the more I think that both are needed in equal proportion.
I remember when I left OFC to start my private practice 16 years ago - back then it was difficult to accept the well wishes and compliments of my colleagues and friends. I felt so shy because I wasn't used to receiving. Since then, I've worked a lot on learning to receive. I have come to believe that a person who just gives is one who stunts their own capacity for growth, for vital nourishment.
Many clients coming into therapy do a lot of good for everyone but themselves. Its hard for them to take a compliment or a day off for themselves, and so they often they struggle with codependency. Self focus, and the capacity to receive, are wonderful assets for personal growth.
Have a Wonderful Week,
Cheryl
Cheryl Deaner Receives Award from Our Family Coalition
Join me this evening at Our Famiy Coalition's "Night Out 2016" where I will be receiving the Co-Founder's Award with John Logan.
What is Maturity?
"This is maturity: To be able to stick with a job until it is finished; to do one's duty without being supervised; to be able to carry money without spending it; an to bear an injustice without wanting to get even."
- Abigail Van Buren
Security
Whether it is feeling loved, having money in the bank or having caring parents or children, most people feel the need for some type of security. Yet there is a counterbalance to this. All these comforts are outside of oneself and they can all be lost.
Being able to be feel secure in oneself is invaluable. People come to this sense of self through many pathways, but all involve getting to know and truly appreciate one's inner self. Here are three ideas about how to do this:
1) Be grateful for what you already have. Stop looking at others and comparing yourself to them.
2) Find a path to promote the growth of your inner self. Whether you choose a spiritual journey, therapy, advanced studies, or taking care of others, find a way to connect with others and the world.
3) Deal with the fact that you will sooner or later die, that every living thing does. Imagine you are very old and thinking back over your life. Think of what the most important things you did were. Then do them.
Take Care,
Cheryl
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is this Sunday. For people in therapy, mothers are often a big topic. There is a social myth that mothers are not just human. They are people who are always warm, forgiving, gentle, nurturing and loving. Conversely, they can be seen as dependent, selfish, cold or evil. But they aren't often portrayed as just people, perhaps because their role was so huge when we were so vulnerable.
As children, our relationship to the person who played the mother role for us should be codependent. Children deserve and need to be codependent with primary caregivers - just not after they grow up. . .and that can be difficult sometimes!
So even if you find yourself struggling in general with your relationship with your mother, finding gratitude for mom is always the best option on Mother's Day.
Warmly,
Cheryl
"The Universe is Like a Mirage. . ."
. . .When you observe it more closely, you find that it is caused by the sun and not the rays."
- Jnaneshwar's Gita
How often do you know the source of your own power, problems, joy and contentment? To know what works and does not work, go to the source. However, It is difficult to do this all by yourself, so be sure to include those to whom your best self gravitates.
Warmly,
Cheryl
Does Everyone Have a "Path" in Life?
Some people are obviously following a life path that fits them, but for many the purpose of living is not so clear.
If you were near the end of your life, thinking back, what are three things you would have liked to have accomplished? Or today, what are the five most important facts of your life?
To become more familiar with your path, look for a teacher, go to therapy, read, have deep conversation with friends. Other tools include walking in nature, meditation, or exploration of a spiritual path.
Self-knowledge lies beyond the talents of intellect. It is also coming home to your body and soul.
Warmly,
Cheryl
Are You Feeling Bruised by the World?
When feeling bruised by the world, you may have an instinctual longing to find your heart again. At the same time, your heart may be the last place you want to go - especially if you are suffering or feeling out of control.
Yet this vulnerability can allow for a kind of mindful suffering. It can be a time for seeing where walls need to be, where fears come from, and how one traps them self. Sometimes shutting down is the best option in the short term, just to get through the day. But eventually, one has the opportunity to remake life for the better.
So no matter where you are today, remember that the thing that hurts the most can become a vehicle to a new freedom, it you become willing to work with it. By listening to your healing heart, and sharing it with those who care, you will eventually find a sense of lightness and joy.
Going Back in Time
Especially with trauma, and sometimes because of present unhappiness, one goes back in their minds to try to work out or learn from what did or did not happen. This is just the way the mind works. It wants to go over and over events in hopes of avoiding mistakes and changing the future.
Looking back can be healthy, or it can become obsessive and keep us from fully living life today. If you are reviewing or feeling the past in a way that is not productive, it is often a good time to reach out to another person so that the past can be put into perspective. After all, the present is the place where we can ultimately find peace with the past.
Good Luck Today,
Cheryl
Being Imperfect
The mind is fickle. We may want to do good, to be good, to get things right but alas, we are human. Things get said that cannot be taken back. We have that extra bowl or ice cream. We yell at our kids. It happens.
Does this mean we are doomed to live a life in an overcast world, where the sun rarely shines, and the rain rarely clears the air?
No. As long as you can find a shred of hope the sun will come again. Remember, change takes time, but through the habit of seeking it, of visualizing what you really want out of life, that whick you want will be looking for you!
Happy Hunting,
Cheryl Deaner, LMFT