Having a Rotten Day?

Having “rotten days” is a fact of life. There are days where everything breaks, everyone is late, or evil words fly out of one's mouth. Sometimes sleepless nights, arguments with loved ones, work stress and other real-time problems also contribute to feeling low.

If you are having a rotten day, please don't make it worse by being down on yourself for having it. Slow down. Realize this is only happening today, and that you can do anything for 24 hours that would kill you if you had to do it for a lifetime. Be kind to yourself, eat comfort food, and if possible, talk to someone who can have empathy for you.

However, If feeling this way lasts for more than three weeks, or your bad mood hangs on and off for over a few months, it may be time to get more support. Friends and family can only take you so far. A licensed therapist or other health professional may be able to help you get back to feeling yourself again.

Know Someone Who Burns too Hot or Cold?

Do you know someone who burns too hot or cold? Are they difficult to be around? Just as a candle relies on the right mixture of fuel and oxygen to create a steady flame, a person needs to balance their thoughts and emotions in order to lead a productive and peaceful life.

Some people live their lives too passionately. They react to others and take themselves too seriously. They create expectations that they and others find impossible to meet. Their lives are often full of drama. Conversely, some people are withdrawn. They are quiet and may be overlooked. They live to much within their own heads that they can end up isolated and lonely. Even if they have a creative inner life, they may feel empty.

Burning too hot or too cold are both ways to avoid seeing oneself. They often are related to a person's current and past conditioning, frequently originating from early family life. At other times, these behaviors have a more biological basis.

Changing self-avoidant patterns involves allowing new experiences into one's life while letting go of habitual routines and responses. Practically speaking, this may mean limiting relationships that are draining and engaging with people who are nourishing.

Other examples include carving out high-quality alone time, keeping a journal or starting a new physical routine. Developing a spiritual path also promote change. So can travel. Visiting a doctor to rule out any biological causes is also helpful. And of course, therapy can also provide support.

Anyone can begin to take one or more of these steps towards a more balanced and happy life. However, the most important step is to start today.

Dreams and Possibilities

”It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting”

The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

Life is full of possibilities - whether one decides to take advantage of them or not! During times of growth and change, possibilities and dreams are especially accessible. But whether or not one takes advantage of them depends in large part on one's attitude about change. Some embrace change while others fear it and avoid seeing it when it is upon them. Most do a combination of these extremes.

If possible, allow yourself to be open to your dreams. To do so, puts you closer in alignment with a future you will really want instead of just being part of others plans.

What you make of life's possibilities really does matter! So today, notice the possibilities you have and find ways to work your dreams into them. Create your own best reality.

Do Your Values Fit Your Life?

One may not even consider what values they hold until they betray them. Betraying one's own values is unpleasant. It can lead to guilt and confusion and hurt and make it difficult to tell what right behavior even looks like.

Yet is one’s value system even workable in present day circumstances? Children often adopt their parent's values and then these almost-unconscious values often carry into adulthood. Depending on the family, the values transmitted by one’s family may be good, bad or even destructive.

However, there are times when changing one's values is likely not to be such a good idea. These include moments of high emotionalism, while being pressured to make at quick decision, or when one is under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Parting with one's values during these times can cause a world of hurt.

If one is in a value crisis, talking to a trusted friend, therapist or clergy member may support one in making good decisions. Talking with another can also help ameliorating the pain of having made mistakes.

Once a crisis has past, it may be time to evaluate one’s values, for better or for worse. Here are some ideas about how to update one’s sense of values:

1) Be honest with yourself (without judging yourself harshly). Have you betrayed your sense of values? If so, what needs to change? What values can you keep? Who can help you in the process?

2) Do the values you inherited from your family really work? If a family's values are set in stone, then they may not be able to support your outgrowing them. Find people in your life who can support your changes.

3) Remember the adage: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Putting oneself in another person's position is a powerful tool to developing one's sense of values. Conversely, It can also help you to notice whether others are treating you as a valuable person.

4) Make a list of traits that you admire. These might include concepts such as honesty, bravery, kindness, integrity or patience. Are the traits you admire in others reflected in your own sense of values?

Values provide one with guideposts, boundaries, protection and wisdom during stressful times. They help oneself and others. Today, take some time to think of the person you are now and the person you want to be. But most importantly in the process, be kind to yourself.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day

In times like these, as our country struggles with backwards-looking leaders and divisive politics, Dr. Martin Luther King's example of persistent, non-violent change is needed more than ever in this world.

As it was in the 60’s it is now. We must know who we are beyond the false and destructive politics of identity and exclusivity that limit our viability as a species. If we allow our value to be determined by external factors such as race, ethnicity and social class, we will never know our own humanity and will not know peace.

As a therapist, I believe that when individuals face the truth about themselves, even when it is unpleasant, the world is a safer place. On Martin Luther King Jr. Day, take a moment to remember that as humans we all want the same opportunities and the same peace. It may not seem like much, but it is everything.

Wise Words from Victor Frankel

“Even the helpless victim of a hopeless situation, facing a fate he cannot change, may rise above himself, and by doing so, change himself.”

Viktor Frankel

Vacation Message

I have found that vacations are an essential part of my being at my best, both as a clinician and as a person.

With this in mind, I will be out of the office from September 3rd to September 14th. If you are experiencing an emergency, please call 911. Otherwise, I will be checking messages sporatically.

Solstice Poem

Winter Solstice is this Tuesday. In honor of the quiet joy of deepening Winter, and the promise of coming light, I hope you enjoy this poem.

”Whose woods these are I think I know.   

His house is in the village though;   

He will not see me stopping here   

To watch his woods fill up with snow.   

My little horse must think it queer   

To stop without a farmhouse near   

Between the woods and frozen lake   

The darkest evening of the year.   

He gives his harness bells a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

The only other sound’s the sweep   

Of easy wind and downy flake.   

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.”

Holidays Got You Down?

“I'll have a Blue Christmas without you
I'll be so blue just thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won't be the same dear, if you're not here with me. . .”

Many people find themselves dwelling on memories of those who have gone from our lives during the holiday season. Especially if you are lonely, troubled or far away from those you love, December can be a time of sadness and grief. Watching others enjoy their holidays can make this feeling even more intense.

Remembering the past is not necessarily bad – its how the past is remembered. Here are a few ways to make those memories work for you instead of against you.

1) Try to experience gratitude for the memory of the person you miss having been in your life. Carry them inside you in a more positive way. Most likely, they would like you to remember them fondly and gratefully.

2) Refocus on those who have been good to you this year. It is easy to not acknowledge those whom we see us every day. Make a point to let others know you appreciate them.

3) Treat yourself extra special. Remember what makes you happy, and what makes you feel peaceful.

4) Think about your focus in the new year. This is a way to help dig your mind out of the past. New goals, ideas, plans – these have a life of their own.

5) If you are really still hurting, just grieve. But make sure you share it with supportive friends and/or relatives. All people have the capacity to relate to loss, especially around the holidays. If no one is available to talk to and you are feeling trapped in sadness, please call a therapist or other healthcare professional.

Coping with Seasonal Affective Disorder

Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) is serious. It is most common this time of year, as the light leaves our hemisphere. It shows up with symptoms like being excessively tired, not sleeping well, feeling blue, depressed or sluggish. If you already have a mood disorder, it can be made worse.

Sometimes SAD can become so intense that it can lead to full blown depression, excessive anxiety, suicidal thoughts or a bipolar episode. So if you have notice that you are struggling with the darkness this coming Winter, don't take it for granted that your feelings will just go away! Talk to a professional.

Although the holidays themselves can contribute to feeling melancholy or blue, Seasonal Affective Disorder is a separate issue. I will address holiday blues in next week's blog. In the meantime, feel free to call me is you suspect you may be dealing with S.A.D.

Getting What You Want

First, just letting yourself know what you want is an act of courage. There are so many easy substitutes out there that can keep you from searching for what you want! These substitutes may seem less scary, guilt-inducing and fraught - but in the end, they are also less satisfying.

Once you know what you want, commit to it. Successful people are ingenious at finding the tools they need to support their goals. These may include visualizing, meditating, writing, talking to mentors, therapy or coaching, reading books and finding people with similar interests. These all help to create an atmosphere of possibility and expansion that encourages success. The most powerful tools, however, are those that include direct involvement of other people.

Finally, don't give up too soon! Be persistent. Stay focused on what you really want. In the end, if you have put in the effort into getting what you want, you may get exactly that. Or you may even end up results that are more interesting than what you thought you wanted!

Diving Into the Wreck - by Adreienne Rich

First having read the book of myths,
and loaded the camera,
and checked the edge of the knife-blade,
I put on
the body-armor of black rubber
the absurd flippers
the grave and awkward mask.
I am having to do this
not like Cousteau with his
assiduous team
aboard the sun-flooded schooner
but here alone.

There is a ladder.
The ladder is always there
hanging innocently
close to the side of the schooner.
We know what it is for,
we who have used it.
Otherwise
it is a piece of maritime floss
some sundry equipment.

I go down.
Rung after rung and still
the oxygen immerses me
the blue light
the clear atoms
of our human air.
I go down.
My flippers cripple me,
I crawl like an insect down the ladder
and there is no one
to tell me when the ocean
will begin.

First the air is blue and then
it is bluer and then green and then
black I am blacking out and yet
my mask is powerful
it pumps my blood with power
the sea is another story
the sea is not a question of power
I have to learn alone
to turn my body without force
in the deep element.

And now: it is easy to forget
what I came for
among so many who have always
lived here
swaying their crenellated fans
between the reefs
and besides
you breathe differently down here.

I came to explore the wreck.
The words are purposes.
The words are maps.
I came to see the damage that was done
and the treasures that prevail.
I stroke the beam of my lamp
slowly along the flank
of something more permanent
than fish or weed

the thing I came for:
the wreck and not the story of the wreck
the thing itself and not the myth
the drowned face always staring
toward the sun
the evidence of damage
worn by salt and sway into this threadbare beauty
the ribs of the disaster
curving their assertion
among the tentative haunters.

This is the place.
And I am here, the mermaid whose dark hair
streams black, the merman in his armored body.
We circle silently
about the wreck
we dive into the hold.
I am she: I am he

whose drowned face sleeps with open eyes
whose breasts still bear the stress
whose silver, copper, vermeil cargo lies
obscurely inside barrels
half-wedged and left to rot
we are the half-destroyed instruments
that once held to a course
the water-eaten log
the fouled compass

We are, I am, you are
by cowardice or courage
the one who find our way
back to this scene
carrying a knife, a camera
a book of myths
in which
our names do not appear.

Loosening the Grip of Fear

Our imaginations are often not good to us when it comes to fear. Imagination can become a rabbit hole leading you away from resourcefulness and reason. Fear can imprison your mind in an endless Winter so that you can’t see Spring arrive.

Think back to all the times you feared something would happen - how often did it happen just the way you thought it would? Not often! It's not that scary things don't happen in life, its that 90% of what appears to be imminent danger is not what is actually going to happen.  So 90% of the time, worry and anxiety about something simply steals our energy to deal with what will actually happen.

If we know that the 90 percent of scary incidents in life do not unfold the way we think they will, we are free to work on being the kind of person that can handle whatever comes one’s way, good or bad.

If you are experiencing fear today, talk to your friends. Ground yourself through techniques like journaling, contemplation and meditation. Take deep breaths. Seek professional help if your fears don’t go away. You can always find a way to mitigate FEAR - which is often no more than False Evidence Appearing Real.

Self-Pity

Self-pity - as I define it - is a lack of ability to feel empathy for oneself. Empathy is an emotion rooted in caring. To have empathy for oneself leads to taking action to ameliorate bad situations. Self-pity, however, not only invites more abuse but distances those who might otherwise be supportive.

Self-pity often begins in early childhood, when those who should have shown empathy for a child failed to do so. The child learns they are not responsible for the way they are treated and that nothing can be done about it. In an adult, this becomes self-pity. The person feeling sorry for themselves does not take the lead to change their plight, as someone else is to blame. Self-pity is not only toxic for the sufferer but for everyone around them.

Almost everyone has a bout of self-pity now and then, but most people get tired of it rather quickly and move on to change their condition. Because they have empathy for themselves, they care about making their situation better. They don't stay stuck. If someone you know (or you!) are feeling mired in feeling sorry for themselves, here are some ways to let go of this destructive emotion:

1) Put a time limit on self-pity. After 5 minutes, start looking for solutions.

2) Try to notice if the suffering is complicated by depression or anxiety. If you think it is, perhaps a therapist or other medical professional can help.

3) Limit complaining to others. It just reinforces being stuck and drives them away. Instead, lay out your problem but put your focus what you can do to better your situation.

4) Making a gratitude list as a way of draining the toxicity of self-pity. Make the list at least 10 items long.

5) Stop being a victim – simply refuse to victimize oneself!

"Your Only Obligation in any Lifetime is to be True to Yourself."

- Richard Bach, Illusions

Being true to oneself often takes one on an illuminating and brave journey inward.  This journey may feel awkward or even intimidating because it requires an amount of courage and faith to see one's true path and to acknowledge one’s power.  

The the results, however, are magnificent - a life well lived!

"We are the Ones We've Been Waiting For" -June Jordan

Some people live lives of anxiety and stress stemming from the belief that others are more competent at living than they are. Even when they are praised or singled out for their accomplishments they feel like impostors.

There are many reasons for this. For example, society often rewards collective, not individual, truth. Children learn from their parents that they are valued more when they conform to others. Sometimes, one’s good judgment simply gets overlooked when trying to please others.

Don't play small with this one precious life of yours! Deep down, you are the one who knows what is right for you. You do not have to accommodate others by disregarding your own strength and knowledge.

Take the time to listen to yourself, reflect and make changes to behave in ways that are more closely aligned to your values. Although large, life changing progress may feel overwhelming, let your awareness lead you to small, new decisions until bigger changes come.

Also, talk to someone you trust about how you want to change. Let that person know what you really want out of life and what barriers you have put up to hold yourself back.

Dare yourself to become the person you have been waiting for all your life.

Deeper Worries

Worrying is easy – but resolving the causes of worry is another thing. One can worry endlessly about money, love or work without anything changing. This is because the real problems are deeper than that. So even as current worries are solved, new worries take their place while the roots of worry remain hidden.

There are many reasons why this is so. Perhaps one is a habitual worrier. Worries simply weave their way through the person’s life, leaving them exhausted by their own thoughts. Or a person may focus intensely on solving ordinary problems while avoiding deeper issues that feel too overwhelming to contemplate.

In both these cases, one’s anxiety doesn't go away. And someone plagued by excess worry may adopt coping mechanisms that backfire, such as drinking too much, working too hard, focusing on someone too much, or other habits. Ultimately, this makes one’s real problems worse.

People are creatures of habit, and the idea of facing one’s deeper worries can seem formidable. But it doesn’t always have to be so hard. Here are some ways people can help themselves face their deeper worries and regain control over their lives:

1) Find a safe person to talk to who can listen. Verbalizing one's problems rather than keeping them inside is therapeutic. Something that eats you alive inside can feel less toxic when exposed to the light of day.

2) If the idea of talking to others is too much, one can talk therapeutically to oneself by journaling. Or one can use other methods of self-expression, such as writing poetry or songs or developing an art project. These can can lead to greater insight into one’s fears and worries.

3) Break routine. Meditate, exercise, go on a trip, plant a garden, visit old friends or do something one has always wanted to do. Do it now. Unhooking one’s mind from the numbing routine of everyday worrying is invaluable.

Finally, consider speaking with a therapist. Therapists are trained to listen to people in ways that support a person’s being more in control of their lives. Remember - you don’t have to do it all alone!

Feeling Down More Days Than You Should?

Sometimes it is hard to feel the passion needed to "get things moving" in one's life.  The symptoms are often subtle, but definable.  Some are as follows:

Lower energy or lack of motivation?

Sleeping too much - or too little?

Feeling down on oneself - or having self-esteem issues?

Poor concentration?

An empty feeling?

Everyone feels a bit blue now or then, but this is different. It may be dysthymia - a mild, chronic form of depression that one might not even know one has, because it has come to be the norm.  Dysthymia is also tricky to diagnose because one might feel motivated for a few days here and there - but not predominantly.

Please feel free to contact me if you or someone you know might be experiencing a mild, ongoing depression. There is much that can be done!

What Story are You Telling Yourself?

People come into therapy with all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. Many of these feelings are directed outward at someone or something else - a spouse, job or a circumstance. However, one's reactions to people, places and things originates from inside the self. One writes the central role in the stories they tell themselves.

Although it may feel temporarily good to blame others for one’s misfortunes, in the long term this leads to seeing the world as hopeless and oneself as powerless. It is true that work of changing one's attitude and outlook on life is an inside job.

Because the story you tell yourself about yourself is a good predictor of where one will go in life, tell a good story!  Even though the story of you may be flawed, it will be interesting, and it will be yours.

Don't Go Back to Sleep. . .

"The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you
Don't go back to sleep!

You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep!

People are going back and forth
across the door sill where the two worlds touch,

The door is round and open
Don't go back to sleep!”

-Rumi