Codependency is often hard to understand because relationship patterns that feel natural but bring pain and emptiness may seem normal. Where does one draw the line between healthy caring and codependency? Here are three indicators:
1) Trying to get someone to change - this can cost considerable amounts of thought and even obsession but has no real payoff.
2) Being totally "fed up" with a partner, child, friend or colleague while feeling quite attached to them. This is confusing. Anger, despair and love and loyalty are not mutually exclusive, and this can be quite confusing.
3) Not knowing what you want or even need yet trying to provide everyone else with what they want and need.
What is the reward for codependency? Usually it is tied up with fear of losing one's reality. Obsession with another person can be a drug-like escape.
The good news is that codependency is a habit, and habits can be broken. If you are wondering if you are codependent, then by reading this you have already taken the first step to changing your life.
Feel free to contact me, or at least to check out CODA (CODA.org). Or if your loved one is involved in substance abuse, contact Al-Anon (Alanon.org). Your suffering can start ending today.